SPEAKER_01 0:02

I want to tell you about the time that I ordered a pizza. And I did the whole fucking thing by myself. It was around 7 p.m. on a Friday night. My family had gone away on a sleeper trip. And I thought to myself, man, am I hungry? I might as well get a fucking pizza with everything on it. Double mushrooms. Double cheese. Double pepper. Green pepper. And I get some sauce. And will you put an extra triple fucking quadruple cheese on my pizza? It ended up showing up fucking late.

SPEAKER_02 0:56

They left it on my doorstep because I put a milk inside the cooper. Delivery milk spot.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Leave it on the fucking three stairs right by the blue and flag.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

I went to the door 30 minutes late, but it was still warm. And I just started to fucking eat it as fast as I could. I washed it down with a Coke Zero. And I looked up at the clock. It said 8 45.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

And I felt like a fucking stuffed pig. Because I had eaten the whole pizza. I fucking ate the whole goddamn pie.

SPEAKER_02 1:40

It ain't nothing but a pizza party. Party party. Ain't nothing but a pizza party party. Welcome to the Eek Show. This episode is dedicated, rehabilitated, demonstrated, Invigorated about pizza.

SPEAKER_00 2:06

You want some pizza? Pizza.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Pizza runs the world. Pizza is a godly creation. Joe, sauce, cheese, spices, vegetables, meats. Whatever you can fit on top of it. Pizza is the greatest thing on planet Earth. Pizza. Gimme some pizza. Not not nice to meet ya. Gimme some pizza. It's nice to meet ya. Gimme some pizza. Pizza! Everybody has their favorite place. The place they want to go get it right now, the second they take their headphones out or their buds. Drive to get a fucking delicious pizza pie. Some people call it pie. Some people call it a slice. Some people call it pizza. Some people call it a round fucking creation of glory, sunlight. That's the eek show fucking pronunciation. Yo, you're gonna give a round fucking glory of sunlight? I don't even remember what I said, bitch. But I know it was delicious. I'll eat every fucking piece of pizza on planet earth in one sitting. One bite! Fucking portnoy's fucking amazing little idea! Portnoy? I already like you because you talk about sports, you're from the North Shore. The Nacha! And you're a fucking funny guy, Ken! He is a funny guy! Huh? That's it! Good fellas, Pasheed. What am I, a fucking clown? Do I amuse you? No, no, it's just the thing. You did the thing. It's funny. Port noise, one bite. What an idea, man. Fucking guy has has had countless great ideas. I fucking give him credit. I saw him uh on a little bit the other day at Nyx Roast Beef. I grew up on fucking Nyx, man. I grew up on the North Shore. I fucking ate Nyx like it was coming out of my ass! Place is a fucking institution if you're freaking up that way, man. China Jade? I used to fucking run it back, get a fucking super beef, sauce and cheese. I don't like the three-way either. Fucking after I ate that in a fucking small onion ring, I'd fucking hit China Jade on the way out. Double fucking fat, man. Double trouble! Remember the game Trouble? You pop the little bubble in the middle to roll the dice? Come on, one of those on fucking planet Earth. Someone just pops us. No ho! You just start flipping around, you're like, oh shit, kid! The creator is pl pressing the fucking trouble popper! Just fucking start learning how to flip. Pizza, kid. You can eat it in the morning, you can eat it for lunch, you can eat it hot, you can eat it cold, you can eat it in a fucking pan. You can eat it on a fucking trash can! I do like green eggs and ham! I like fucking green eggs and ham on pizza! Dr. Seuss, man, I'm fucking doing LST and writing books. Maybe that's the whole fucking point of the Eek Show, following Dr. Seuss! Yo, Dr. Seuss, man, how'd you come up with all those crazy ideas and rhymes? They were pretty fucking cool. I just did uh a boatload of drugs, young boy. Green eggs and ham, Sam I am! I can Sam I am, I want a pizza pan! Make a big fucking delicious fucking pie and just fill it with fucking sausage, cheese, fucking pepperoni, and I love onions! I love fucking onions! Our boy on the fucking uh NCAA onions! He is it fibball, the little freshman onions! This is their last shot. I want a pizza with fucking sausage, pepperoni, green pepper, onions, and stuffed crust. I want fucking stuffed crust on the front of the pizza too, man. I guess that would be the whole pizza itself. I want fucking inverted two pizzas. I want stuffed crust, triangle, middle, stuffed crust, and then another triangle with the middle and another stuffed crust. I want fucking double fucking stuffed crust, double triangles, and I don't want any fucking hot. You got it. Dad earned pizza. Give me the fucking double cheese stuffed crust and no hots. You don't put hots on fucking pizza. Oh, engine. Fucking tough fucking vanity plate. Some fucking shit. Toyota CX5 in front of me. Engine. Yo, Chucky, man, can you give me the uh can you give me the engine vanity plate? I want everybody to know that I'm fucking nice and I wear fucking jeans, god. Make the fucking plate white like my fucking fucking gay car. Sorry, man. Couldn't think of anything else. Aha, pizza man. Where's your favorite pizza place? Eekshow.show. Info with eekshow.show. You guys know the fucking the jargon by now, huh? Oh ho um that's a pre-fucking 7 a.m. sip. Oh, look at this fucking douche. Oh, that's a bold fresh cup. It's brewed perfectly. Pizza man, I'll give you a fucking tip. Go to the fucking cabin in Bath, Maine, okay? Right near the Bath Ironworks fucking steel crane, the giant crane in the bridge. Bath is a fucking big giant tub, right? The fucking like middle of Maine is just this big huge fucking tub with a fucking faucet. You fall right into it like a fucking skateboarder. Dropping right in. Bath. Just fucking get out and lay on the highway and start scrubbing your fucking ass. Some guy out on the highway scrubbing his ass in bath. Cops like, I tried to fucking reason with him, but he just said, it's fucking bath, man. What do you want me to do? And fucking clean it up. Bath Main, fucking the cabin. You take a right right off the fucking before the bridge. It's down in their fucking little fucking awesome little fucking dank towny type city. You go inside and everything's like wooden. They've got the fucking the red and white checkered fucking pattern, the old fucking silver pizza pans that look like they've been around since fucking World War I. The wood's sort of like tilted, nothing's like leveled. They got fucking old pictures, they give you fucking plastic cups. You can get glasses, but they've got sort of like that wear on them, maybe even some cracks. I mean fuck it. I'd drink pieces of glass to eat that pizza. The pizza there is fucking to die for. It's New York style, real thin crust. The cheese and the sauce meld together like it's fucking like you're drinking olive oil, but that it tastes like fucking pizza and cheese and sauce. It's just a dream come true. The fucking napkins are on the table with the parmesan cheese shaker, the fucking red pepper, salt and pepper. There's so much grease on it, you you just want to fucking bathe in it. And the napkins are so small that if you get fucking oil and sauce in your face, which you're going to, you're gonna burn your mouth because you don't want to wait. You gotta eat the pizza when you get it. It's just a fucking, it's like eating fucking a bowl of oatmeal that's pizza. You know what I mean? It's that fucking just deliciously concocted. And the napkins, you need like fucking 50 of them just to get through a couple slices. They're like, they're made with some translucent fucking type of fucking paper that really doesn't clean you up unless you use 50 of them. I mean, we're talking old school pizza parlor. Just deliciousness. Exonified. I used to go there with my grandparents. My fucking grandfather would sprinkle salt in his beer. My grandmother would always want to get black olives on pizza, which at that time to me was obviously gross. I was a kid, but I ate it. I love the pizza so much, I fucking ate the black olives. That's how good it was. And now, all these years later, go figure, I like black olives on pizza. I like everything on pizza. I want you to fucking put band-aids and fucking q-tips. Fucking old dog fucking nails that you trim off your fucking puppies. Throw it all on the pizza. I'll eat the whole fucking slice and pie in one sitting. I like all of it. Put fucking leaves. Old fucking pieces of gum. Yeah, can I get a fucking pie with onions? And uh, can you give me the chewed up fucking gum from under the desk? I'll get uh maybe some fucking rusty paper clips, a couple of scabby band-aids, and some fucking uh give me some fucking dog hair. The guy behind the desk is like, dude, I don't how do we know? Nobody's ever asked us for those toppings. Well, this is the fucking Eek Show ordering, so put them on the pizza, okay? And I want it fucking hot and ready, just like fucking little Caesars. Pizza pizza! Little guy's just fucking telling me already what I know. It's fucking some guy loading his groceries into his fucking rivy and electric truck that I wish I had a fucking giant boulder so I could just smash the fucking top. Oh, there it is. Yellow cab, Quincy Hybrid. Looks like a fucking piece of fucking cheddar cheese made into a car. Another one I'd smash with a big rock. It's a fucking dink in his electric truck. How's your electric fucking truck working now, man? Does it work with the fucking boulders smashed into the top? Enjoy your fucking polar seltzer, you fucking dink. Of course I didn't see any pizza in his groceries. I'll even eat frozen pizza. Fuck it. Celeste Elios. Fucking Elios? Here comes fucking Quincy Hybrid Yellow Cab. Somehow he parks right next to me, man. There's honestly, there's a fucking thousand spots. A thousand fucking spots. And he parks right next to me. You can't make this shit up. You can't. You can't make it up. What's up, douche rocket? Nice fucking glasses, you fucking dink. Dude, I don't understand it. I'm in an empty fucking lot, and the guy pulls up right next to me. Get out of here, you fucking dink! I'm gonna go fucking across the lot, kid! Pizza pie pot! Fucking dinkus. Oh, there's nothing better than being in the morning, just fucking ripping on everybody. Fuck off. Like an Eek Show style, cat. I'll just fucking move. Another fucking beautiful spot. I'll just fucking stare at Chick-fil-A and fucking dream of fucking shakes and fucking chicken tenders, huh? I'm gonna fucking come out with a fucking soup and call it fucking shake tenders. Just fucking. It's a big fucking jar of fucking shake and chicken tenders mixed into it.

SPEAKER_01 15:37

Yo, is that the new uh fucking chicken tender soup, man?

SPEAKER_02 15:41

Did you try that? Shit's fucking thick. That's fucking stupid and crazy, man. So are you? How about that? So are you! You're ugly. Oh yeah, you are too, man. Yeah, you're fucking you're fucking stupid, man. Oh yeah? So are you? What a comeback. You're fucking you're fucking lame, man. Oh yeah? So are you, man? Ultimate comeback. Whatever they say, that's genius. You're like, yeah, you too. You're the same thing. Cup of Joe is just going down like fucking chicken tender shake. Do you know your favorite pizza place right now on the spot? Someone fucking comes up to you with a loaded fucking nine millimeter beretta against your fucking head, deer hunter style. You gotta take a shot. I guess it can't be deer hunter, because that was one or two bullets in a fucking chamber that they spun. This is a beretta, like that's you know, it's it's it's a clip. If you fucking pull the trigger, you're you're dead, right? You're getting the bullet. So we will play that style. You know you're gonna die. Can you name your favorite place in two seconds? Or you're gonna get a fucking bullet in the head. The cabin, Bath Main! The guy's like, oh man, what a fucking call that is, each show. Guy gives me his gun, tells me, alright, that's such a good answer. I want you to fucking reverse it. Do it to me. Maybe he says Regina in Boston. Maybe he says fucking the alibi in fucking Troy, Michigan. Maybe he says fucking rock pizza out in fucking Sacramento. I had that once. It was fucking delightful. Grimaldi's in Brooklyn. I've had fucking four or five amazing bites of pizza in Giordano's, or I think it's Giordano's in fucking Chicago. Um, I've had their famous pizzas. I can't think of their names right now. Um Salted Lombachia. Oh, it's a Red Sock. But you know, those type of names. Bucci Mamas. You know what I mean? Fucking Siphalanos. Yo, did Siphilanos have did the owner of Syphilano have syphilis, man? Did he get sick and then name the pizza place after his disease? That's his last name, brother. So I could Italian. Siffalano cat? Zip into some summer pineapple dragon fruit. Oh god. I'll get a fucking bucket of that. Just fucking dump it on my fucking head. Right as I'm waiting in the fucking drive-thru, the whole fucking inside of like, dude, you just spent fucking like 30 bucks on that bucket of dragon fruit pineapple fucking Chick-fil-A drink and just dumped it on your head, man. Yeah, make me another one, you fucking bitch. Give me some of that fucking new shake tender soup that fucking Eekshow invented. You guys bought off him for fucking 400 million. Pizza is. I mean, it's all powerful. Pizza changes your mood. It changes how you go to the bathroom as well. I had a friend of mine tell me the other day that he he literally fucking almost dies every time he has it. And he's another toppings guy, cuz he loves toppings. The more meat and the more veggies, the better. Fucking mushrooms on pizza? Huh. Sign me up for that. Oh, I fucking love mushrooms, man. Put everything on it. I want fucking linguisa. I want fucking pulled pork. I don't like broccoli on pizza. Eek Show just got called out. I don't want any fucking vile weed on fucking my pizza, man. And I like broccoli. Especially in cheese sauce or fucking cream sauce, you know? Add some fat to your vegetable and set sail. I say set sail a lot. That means just, you know, you're out in the open ocean enjoying fucking life. Dreaming. Do you like the deep dish pizza? Do you like fucking thin crust? Do you like the Portnoy style? No flop, flop. I don't give a shit if it's got fucking flop, pop, or fucking hop. Put fucking hops on it. Don't even cook them. They make fucking beer with. Just put fucking raw hops on my pizza, man. I'll fucking find my way through that slice as long as you get cheese and sauce and stuff some fucking mozzarella stick of logs in the back of that crust. I'll get through it. I'll eat a fucking slice of pizza with fucking broken glass on it. Yo, Ekshow, man, you're fucking you're bleeding, your tongue's bleeding, your mouth's bleeding. I know, man. I fucking love this pizza, man. Fucking Ekshow's setting all kinds of world records. Fucking the first person in history to eat a full slice with broken glass. Even David Blaine doesn't eat a whole fucking slice of pizza with multiple pieces of glass. He's eating glass. He's he's crunched into glass, but he just eats a couple bites. He doesn't eat a whole fucking piece of pizza. He doesn't eat the whole goddamn pizza pie. Fucking eekshow blaine, now in pain. But I'll take the fucking esophagus fucking coal and fucking operation and get through a delicious fucking glass fucking pizza? Can you think of your local fucking place? Do you like a couple spots because they're Greek style? Bar pizza, the small ones? Do you like fucking deep dish Chicago? Fucking like it's a big juicy fucking or a big sugary fucking Reese. Peanut butter pie. I'll eat a fucking double cheese sausage, pepperoni, onion, and green pepper, fucking mushroom, deep dish pie, and then I'll follow it up with a Reese's peanut butter cup pie. I'll just fucking sit there and fucking sweat.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

Ooh, um.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

I don't want anything but pizza. Honestly, think I could eat pizza every fucking day. Every day. I know it's not good for you. It's fucking dough and fucking oil. Dehydrated, fucking rancid fucking meat. I mean, there's no way pepperoni or the sausage they're putting on pizzas are good for you. Ham, fucking steak, meatball. Jeez. But I want you to put fucking hen. I want you to fucking put cooked hen on my pizza. I'm gonna raise hens and then fucking open a pizza joint and call it fucking hen pizza. You try that hen pizza place, man? Fucking eekshaw just open it, man. He raises his own hands and then makes fucking hen pizza. You can't get anything else.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

You can get fucking hen or you can get cheese. The hen is truly mightier than the sword.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

Pizza is fucking, it's the top fucking food on the planet. And I want someone to challenge me that it's not. You can throw in all the grates, cheeseburgers, hamburgers, french fries, tacos, burritos, fucking delicious lobster seafood, high-end sushi, caviar, fucking beluga caviar, hot dogs, fucking homemade pasta, bolinise, fucking fettuccine. I don't give a shit what it is. Eggs, egg casserole, casseroles, meatballs, fucking lasagna, salads, vegetables, whatever the fuck you like. Pizza sits at the fucking top. It's the Everest of fucking taste buds. It's the Everest. Pizza is our fucking god! What's your favorite pizza place? Can you think of it right now with a fucking nine millimeter beretta against your fucking skull?

SPEAKER_00 24:43

Do you sprinkle fucking salt on it as you're fucking eating it?

SPEAKER_02 24:48

Do you dip it in ranch or blue cheese? Are you fucking just a double glutton? If you are, I commend you on that. I commend that. I just wanna see new ideas. I want fucking pizza with fucking pork gravy on it. Pizza's fucking expensive these days, man. You can't get one for less than, you know, you can on certain fucking days where they're giving you, you know, the expired cheese and sauce and the dough that's just been sitting out that they're gonna throw out anyways. That's probably what happens, these $10 fucking Tuesday specials, right? You're getting shit they were gonna throw out. But I'll fucking eat it. I'll eat it like the rabbit I'm watching eating fucking grass and flowers about fucking 50 yards in front of me. I bet you that's the same little fucking rabbit that's shitting all over my yard. Eat up, buddy. I'm gonna make you into a pizza, fucking rabbit pizza! I'll cook up a fucking rabbit and put it on my fucking pizza tonight! Fucking hen pizza, fucking open a second fucking location and call it rabbit pizza. You get cheese, you get hen, you get rabbit. And that's it. No vegetables, no fucking normal cured meats, rabbit or fucking hen. Fucking dogs would love that one. Do you like to sit down and go out to the parlor for pizza? When you take it to go, do you look in the box to check that they made it right? I wanna look. I wanna look just so I can fucking like dream for that one second, like, oh god, it looks fucking amazing. I'm fucking eating it with my eyes before I even get home. Do you trust they're gonna get it right when you get takeout? I mean, maybe if you get a pizza for a party, party, if you get a pizza for a party or a big stack of them, maybe you don't check all of them. You should. How many times do you go get something or do something or order something and it ends up being right? What's the percentage? It's not a hundred. It is not a hundred. You yourself, with your own things to do, your own list on a daily basis, you make mistakes on a daily basis. So trust me, people that are in a fucking hamster wheel doing the same thing for other people, especially when it comes to the takeout food industry, they fuck shit up on a consistent basis. And I'm not fucking mad at them for it, but I want it to be right. We are paying for it, right? They're not paying for it, they're getting paid to get it right. So check the fucking box. Pizza. I can't believe nobody's opened a pizza place and called it as I know? Az if azip. Fucking the clueless movie, as if as If fucking pizza. Pizza backwards. Everybody knows. You catch fucking pizza backwards, you figure it out. The two Z's are together. It's kind of a brilliant name for a fucking place. Just have good pizza. You could name the pizza place shit. If it's good pizza, people are gonna go. Yo, where are you going for fucking pizza tonight, man? I'm gonna stop by shit.

SPEAKER_00 28:24

You're gonna eat it shit. I fucking eat shit. You you eat shit? No, I eat pizza. The fucking place is shit, and they make good pizza. You talking about shit? Pizza? I eat pizza at shit, and then I shit. Pizza. You're you're confusing me, man.

SPEAKER_02 28:48

You're gonna try that shit place. If I was a billionaire, I would do all this shit. The fucking hen place, the rabbit place, as if, as if, as if, and fucking shit pizza. You know, just you don't even need the pizza in there. You know it's a pizza place. You put the fucking neon pizza slice on the window and just call it shit. How many places have you ever driven by where you look up, you're like, oh shit? And someone's like, don't fucking swear like that. It's the name of the place. Let's get some pizza. This is the Eek Show. I fucking love pizza. Portnoy, you get the biggest shot out in this fucking episode. You may never listen to my shit, but uh I think uh I look forward to reading your book. And I think it's cool that someone like you from our area has kind of put put a perspective on our on this culture on the map. You know, I think everybody who's hardcore from this area, they know their shit stinks. You know, you know as well as I now you've traveled the world and done things like there's a lot of fucking amazing things out there, but you have pride and you feel where you're from. It's got you know, there's a just that's this sense of fucking community and love for it. Like everybody has. Hey, you're not from Philly, man. You don't get it. You're not you're not from fucking New York. Coffee, coffee, you're from fucking from Brooklyn, man. Fucking LA, yo, dude. What's up, man? Yo, chilling kid, fucking hang 10. Yo, it's tubular, brother. You're fucking from the boo, fucking Malibu. Fucking growing up fucking playing fucking water polo. I met a guy that I fucking am still friends with that played water polo in college. Tell me that isn't fucking pimp. He loves pizza too, by the way. Fucking New York pizza, fucking what the name of it? Oh god. Mulberry's pizza in fucking Beverly Hills. There's a spot. Check that out. Fucking Bravo, pizza Bravo in fucking Santa Monica, Marina Del Rey, I think it is. Might be Venice officially. It's right between those two. They got fucking fresh cannolis there. I've lived and been around the country a lot myself. The one thing, eat more pizza, man. Eat more fucking pizza. We're all gonna be fucking dead anyways, man. You're gonna drop dead because a fucking rock hit you because you parked bad, and fucking eat so drop it on your room. I'm kidding. I'm not gonna have anything to do with your passing. But we're all gonna fucking die. Stay in shape, have a schedule, stick to it, have a routine, but fucking eat what you want, man. Everything else is killing you, anyways. The fucking sun, the air, the water, the fucking rancid food that's causing the fucking diarrhea bomb disease right now, whatever the fuck that's called, fucking anal virus. This little rabbit is still chowing down right now. I wish I could fucking buy him a pizza. And I wouldn't make him be a fucking cannibal. I wouldn't give him the fucking second location rabbit pizza. I'd give him I'd give him a carrot pizza. I'm sure he likes carrots. When's the last time you had fucking carrots on your pizza? I'd fucking eat carrots on the pizza and fucking wear rabbit ears while I eat it. Eat more pizza. That's my fucking one thing. This is the Eek Show. Have an excellent week. Be well.