SPEAKER_05 0:14

It's the each show.

SPEAKER_06 0:29

It's the eat show. I just saw a woman that looks like a human frog driving a fucking Honda Pilot AWD. All wheel drive, bitch!

SPEAKER_07 0:46

Yo, you didn't we go with the two wheels, just the front drive front wheel drive? Fucking frog lady! Yo frog! You like the game Frogger? Hey! You like that game Frogger? Yo, frog lady!

SPEAKER_06 1:07

Tell you man, she looks like a fucking frog. A human frog. You look like a frog. He moves like a frog. So do you. Froger episode Seinfeld. Jerry, I can do this. Everything in my life has led up to this moment. Mary wants to get the extension cord so he can keep the game plugged in so his high score doesn't go away. Ring the alarm. I'm gonna go ya. Oh a. Ring the alarm. Oh a you know when you know a song, but you you kind of have the rhythm and the beat to it, and you know the chorus, the main line. The main line. Oh, I love limes as well. Fucking can't speak. Oh, this guy's fucking flying, man. He's gonna crash right into me. Yo, what's up? Fucking Dodge Rambi. You know words of a certain song, but you can't remember the other, so you just got a conakoya. Got a conakoya. Am I talking about got a got a goya? Oh, hey. So I know that part. Ring the alarm.

SPEAKER_01 2:37

That's a son of the police. That's a sound that we need. That's a sound of the police. That's a sound of the five-balls. That's a sound of the fucking five-alls.

SPEAKER_06 2:52

Do you use an alarm when you wake up in the morning? That's what I'm getting at. Do you need an alarm? Do you like alarm clocks? Jesus, you just want to smash the fucking thing with your fist? Alarm clock since the beginning of time. Jesus. Hey man, can you get that alarm clock in uh gives me a heart attack in the morning? This is back in the 80s when people had alarm clocks. Right? You had to set the alarm. Ring the alarm! Gotta gotta go. Maybe it was Goya fucking black beans or fucking kidney beans. Fucking pinto beans, three bean fucking chili I make on fucking weekends for the fucking PATS games. Do you use an alarm on your fucking phone? You better fucking ever since the iPhone came out, you can fucking have a spaceship, you can have people talking to you. You can invent your own sounds, pick their sounds, and wake up to that shit. You get alerts on your phone like it. Oh no. Oh, I didn't hit him. Oh the chipmunk was fucking he spit himself out right as I was driving. You know when you don't want to hit him, but it's close, man. That was close to a breath, fresh batch of fucking chipmunk chili. Would have brought that home and fucking added it into the three beans. Yo, what's that um what's that uh uh dark meat taste in the chili, man? That's fucking a new Eek Show fucking special. I call it fucking chipmunk smash! No! Is that Alvin or fucking the other one? I don't even know the other ones. Can you name the three chipmunks? I honestly I should be able to do that. I know Alvin. Alvin and the chipmunks. Yo, man, what's the what's the other two guys' names for fucking one million dollars? Huh? I don't have any fucking clue, man. What are the pyramidal tracks? Kat, I believe the uh pyramidal tracks are a housing development outside of Cairo. No. Frogers quickly, you're the champions. If you know this answer. Pig and the poke, it takes a bee a glot. Pig and a poke. Oink, oink, oink. A little European vacation for all the fucking Eek Show listeners. This is the Eek Show. Eekshow.show is where you can find all the fucking what's ahead. Info at Eekshow.show. You know the fucking drill, cuz. Yo, you're a message. You know the drill. Answering machines, remember that, man? Fuck. Hello.

SPEAKER_08 6:09

No one is available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone.

SPEAKER_05 6:16

Hey, uh, yeah, this is the uh Eek Show. Um I'm leaving you a message for the future if you you put together a podcast and do an episode about uh alarm clocks. Make sure you uh add in the answering machine shout. That'll be fucking so funny if you do it right.

SPEAKER_06 6:36

I used to leave fucking soliloquies, fucking full out movie skits on our answering machine. Fucking when I lived in California, man. You'd call in and it'd be like a full five to six minute like movie reenaction of a fucking skit. Actually, I did that in college too with some of my buddies. I didn't want it to be like, hey, you miss me, it's uh blah blah.

SPEAKER_07 6:58

Leave a mess. This is Eekshow, leave a message. Of course I would have fucking been like, this is eekshow.show, leave a message and fucking Sunday, 1105 a.m.

SPEAKER_06 7:15

Hey, shut the fuck up and they're gonna fuck alarm clocks, that's the fucking precipice. That's the core of what I wanted to talk about. Cause I'll tell you what, I heard an alarm clock this morning, not my own. The other person in our bedroom, lover to death. It sounded like a fucking destroyer was fucking pulling in and starting to fucking sound the alarm that they were gonna begin firing at the enemy. World War II fucking destroyer on the ocean. They were gonna fucking fire. Start firing fucking full out fucking barrage or fucking whatever you want to call the ammo. I don't know. Fucking shells, fucking torpedoes, fucking rap force. Oh yeah, that's a fucking bold cup. Never it never fails, my friends. What a fucking coffee cup. Pucky fuck! Coffee cup. Oh, there's another one. Hey, you you don't want to be in my jelly, little chippy bitch! I'll go and fucking cook them all up. What's that fucking dark meat taste, man? Ah, stick it in my teeth. It's fucking chippy bitch, kid. I noticed hamburg meat starting to fucking go on up in price, so I'm fucking starting to cook with chipmunk meat. Eek chip chili, kid! What an idea, man. Yo, you been to that fucking eek chip chili place, man? It's down on fucking Washington Street. It's got some sort of fucking dark meat chili, and he's got three different beans in it, and he sells fucking. I think they sell honey nut eek skins there too, man. Oh alarm clocks, man. I always say and have said since I was young, you wanna get to the point in life where you just don't. Ooh, that was a little fucking extra fucking snot rocket that gave me some protein. Ooh! Not beautiful. Not BIFL. Oh, there it isn't. You fucking. You don't want to be in a life where you have to wake up to an alarm clock. And some people like, I need the alarm clock, man. I can't wake up. You know? I got an I got an interclock. Uh Ekshow's got a fucking grandfather clock inside his body, man! Shit chimes on its own. People are like, yo, man, what's that fucking what's that bell chime chiming sound I just heard? That's my uh internal uh fucking grandfather clock. Uh I had them install one in me when I was like fucking 15. How's got a fucking grandfather clock inside his body? You'd think he'd be taller. The alarm clock. Hearing the alarm. Ring the alarm. I gotta gotta go a. I wonder who sings that song. It's some sort of like not popular fucking rap band.

SPEAKER_03 10:52

Look at these two girls. Did you do the stepmaster? Uh yeah, I did it too, yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. I gotta go to the uh, I gotta go to Target and pick up some fucking uh some vapor rub. I'll see ya.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

And it's got that redness and irritation, use the Eekshow vapor rub. That rational clear up in a week or your money back.

SPEAKER_06 11:33

Fuck out of here, man. There's fucking to my left, there's six porter parties, and I just all I can think of is when the preakness was that was at its peakness. The preakness at its peakness! Years back where they hadn't fucking like everything hadn't fucking been canceled. They hadn't like calmed everything down. The fucking the golf tournament and fucking Scottsdale there, like how it's not as crazy on that 17th hole or 16th hole where everybody goes fucking batshit with their beers. They just want to see people land on the green, they just go fucking nuts. I think uh years back, fucking that guy Dahman like pulled his shirt up and the other one chugged a beer. I'm looking at fucking six blue urinals, okay? Porter potties that they have still on fucking the grass near the fucking Y for the kid camp that that went on all summer. And all I can think of is like at the prequest they'd have, they had this tradition where you'd run across the top of the fucking urinals, and you had to make it to the other side without getting knocked off it. And people physically would throw fucking beer at you, but like full beer, so does fucking people started bringing like fucking water guns, potato guns, jeez fuck.

SPEAKER_07 12:53

Ah it's one more yarn, oh man! You got one more oh, skip!

SPEAKER_06 13:11

You gotta make it, man! But it was fucking hilarious. I'd see the videos, it was like the the person, the person who could get across, you know. They were like, I made it, man, but you know, you you you broke your neck and you're in a wheelchair. Yeah, man, but I made it across the urinals, you know what I mean, man. That was a fucking really cool social media moment, man. Yeah, brother, but you can't walk anymore, you know? Was it worth it? Yeah, man, that was fucking worth it, man. I lost all day at the at the races, but beforehand, I got across the six urinals and snapped my fucking neck vertebrae.

unknown 13:49

Jesus.

SPEAKER_06 13:50

He would have needed an alarm clock. Yo, man, the NSD just fucking wearing off. We gotta start having you use an alarm clock so it can wake you up to fucking be able to feed you fucking the liquid intravenous fucking spaghetti soup you're gonna be eating for the next fucking five years because you can't fucking move your jaw. How was the precass? Oh man, it was fun, man. How about how about you in the bed? How is the pre kiss? He can't fucking move his jaw, man. Oh yeah. Oh, that's a fucking just yeah. Fucking eek chip fucking chili, bitch. I'm gonna start bringing fucking huge mugs of eat chip chili to the Y. Just fucking Yeah, the guy's fucking drinking chili before he works out. Aha, look at this fucking douche rocket. Yeah, man. Fucking love your truck. The second you walk away from it, I'm gonna fucking bash it in with a fucking black magic east and smash all the fucking windows out of it.

SPEAKER_04 15:11

And one more for good luck.

SPEAKER_06 15:18

Kidding man, I'm not gonna do that. This is fucking not a violent show. This is fucking this is entertainment. No, entertainment, and explainment. Yo, explain your entertainment. Explain it? You want to get to that point in life where you just don't have an alarm clock, right? You don't want to hear that every in the morning. So I heard it this morning and it fucking scared the shit out of me, and I would I was already up, right? I was already into my fucking morning. Well into it, by my I fucking wake up with the birds. The birds are out in the back in the fucking trees, and like, oh shit, man, I hear each show breathing. I don't hear the birds in the morning. They hear me. Fucking birds set their alarm to me waking up. Then they start their fucking little tweets and fucking cause. No, this guy is a fucking super douche rocket. I've seen him in the gym. Just a fucking grade A fucking fucking fresh rotted donkey meat. Just a fresh batch of fucking asshole stew, man. This guy is a fucking grade A fucking dinkus. Total fucking rat fucking dinkus. Jesus Christ. It's unfortunate. I mean, I'll be honest, here's where I'm I'm genuine. I people may think the same thing about me, man. They see me coming in, they're like, oh shit, man, it's Ekeshow. I wonder I wonder if I should ask for his autograph. I'd fucking sign it in blood. Oh, God bless this guy. He's wearing a fucking hooded sweatshirt and he's just he just kept it on and sweated right through the thing. Yo, man, you're gonna you're gonna squeeze some of that sweat into your fucking bloody Mary in a butt-no. Guy looks like he's a fucking full-fledged alcoholic. No question about it.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

I wear my heavy sweatshirt on the treadmill.

SPEAKER_06 17:32

But hey, he's at the gym before fucking eight o'clock in the morning. Fuck it. You know, work out, have a fucking couple bloody Marys. Nothing wrong with that. Yo, yo, Chucky, man, give me the uh give me two celery sticks this morning, man. I'm starving. Can't do it, man. I know you're on your workout regimen. This is fucking look at this girl. She's gonna go in there and just fucking yank somebody's balls off their fucking body. You get to that point, you just don't want to have an alarm. You don't want to deal with an alarm. I hope you don't need an alarm because shocking yourself and giving yourself a fucking heart attack, and you know, whether you wake up from a deep sleep, you're a light sleeper, it sucks. Alarms suck, man. You don't want to be involved with fucking the alarm world. I don't want the fucking alarm world. And I remember being young, getting to a point in my life where I'm like, I'm done with alarms. I'll just wake up on my own. I'll figure it out. All the other things you do in your life, you figure out on your own, right? Maybe you have to make notes because you start to forget things because you have so many responsibilities, or such a busy day, or such a busy work schedule, or such a busy family schedule, or such a busy errand schedule, or all of it. So you make notes. You come up with a fucking system, you come up with a routine, kid. Yeah, did you did you say you wanted some poutine? You know, with the gravy on the fries and some pulled pork? I said routine. Have you ever had poutine? I have had poutine. My routine is to eat poutine. Jesus. I wish my routine was to eat poutine because I would just fucking grow into a goddamn fucking just giant pig and wear a moo moo like Homer. Remember when he just he figured out a way to like cut down his work because he had that little bob bobber bird from for working from home, and he'd wear a moo moo. I think that's a large sort of just like blanket you wear. You can't fit into clothes. He used bard he's like, if you rubbed it on the window and it made a grease stain, then it was okay to eat. But he had this little bird bobber, and he figured out if he'd just have the bird bob into the yes or no, that he could get his work done. He didn't even need to be at his desk. He could just eat or do whatever he wanted in his fucking big giant fucking sheet. And that's the life I want, man. No alarm, fucking moo moo. Just that fucking bird bobber saying buckets. You know, yes, man, fucking Jim Carrey already came up with the idea, right? Some of these fucking ideas, you always think of them like they've already been made into movies. Has the fucking Eek Chip chili been in a movie? Does anybody fucking make chipmunk meat into a chili? Now on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerin, fucking the plumber too. He's fucking um Mr. Fucking Clean too. You know, electric boogaloo.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

I clean the toilet and tub. I'm bald, I clean the toilet and tub. I'm bald. What?

SPEAKER_06 20:59

Mr. Clean is like this fucking jacked fucking guy. He's got I think he's got a fucking earring. He always wears the white shirt. He's fucking jacked. Yo man, Mr. Clean's bald, but he's guy fucking can bench 500 pounds, man. Yeah, because he's always fucking cleaning shit. This guy just gets a workout all day long. He just cleans fucking tubs. I wish he would have fucking cleaned my trailer tub.

SPEAKER_07 21:27

The fucking the tubs are fucking dirty. You you were the last one to take a bath. Shut up! Shut up!

SPEAKER_06 21:38

You fucking you unappreciate him. Shut up! Mr. Clean fucking would have been a nice fucking touch in my fucking trailer tub. This shit looked like a fucking Titanic. Fucking after it sank all these years later. You know, imagine what it looks like. How much brown fucking moss and fucking slime mold is on it. That was our tub. That was where I fucking made my first batch of fucking honey nut eek skins. Oh, I hated that fucking alarm clock when I was a kid. I hated it when I was in fucking when I first started working. I hated it in fucking college. Sometimes I used it. I never even had a fucking phone or a flip phone or an iPhone until I was in my like. I got a phone late, man. Well after everybody else. I never had my own car till I was like 25, 26. Maybe I was fucking 26 or 27 when I had my own car. Might have been 28. Yeah, I didn't have my own car. I didn't have my own phone. I had the iPhone the fucking day it came out. I I remember being in line at the fucking social plaza cat AZOLP.

SPEAKER_05 22:59

I got the iPhone. I got the iPhone, yeah. I got the iPhone. I got it. What?

SPEAKER_06 23:08

This guy's got a fucking backpack on. Nice backpack, man. It's a fucking leather backpack. Oh, nice one douche. Fucking goons. He's got fucking aqua socks on, dude. Jesus Christ. Yo, honey, should I go with the white or black socks or should I go with the the aqua ones, man? Want the fucking people at the gym to know I'm a real fucking snazzy dresser. Yeah, go with the go with the aqua ones. Fucking alarm's going off. Just can't concentrate. So I told her this morning, I told my fucking my better half, okay? Cause I'm the shit half and she's the better half. That's what all the wives want to know in here. We all know we're fucking shit and that you're the better half, right? We're all alive because of our wives. Oh! Kid's a fucking hip-hop expert. We're all alive because our wives! I eat fucking chives on my fucking cream cheese and bagel, bitch! Eek show fucking dropping new tunes. It's pretty fucking stupid, man. I don't want you to talk anymore. I told her I'd get her up. That's the whole fucking that's the whole show. I made it about the alarm clock and waking her up. Listen, I'm already up every morning. Internal clock. I've got a grandfather clock just fucking glued inside me somehow. I wake up multiple times a night. I've never gotten good sleep. I mentioned that in the episode. Sleep peels backwards. You remember Peels, the beer? P-I-E-L-S. It like had that potato fucking stick top. If I haven't mentioned Peels, it used to be five dollars for a case of 24 cans at, you're not gonna believe this, at Market Basket. DEMOULLAS! At DEMOLAS! DEMOULLAS is Market Basket. Market Basket is Einhorn! DAMULAS US THE BEAT BASKIKET When I was a kid, and my granddad would go to get groceries. He'd pick up a case of peels. Nobody even knows that beer, man. It's out there, man. People are fucking still swilling the fucking peels. Yeah, you eating potato sticks? No, no, no, this is a beer. I'd be her alarm clock. Listen, I'll come wake you up when you need to be woken up. I can say, hey, it's time to get up. But I only I told her I'm only gonna do it once. I'm not gonna be that fucking loser fucking, you need me to be fucking get out of bed. You need me to tell you, put your dishes in the sink. When I lived with my younger brother years back in California, the motherfucker would never do his dishes, and if he did the dishes, he'd leave this big fucking anytime we had spaghetti, he'd leave this big fucking tomato sauce slick in the fucking sink. You can't just do the dishes and put them in the rack. You then gotta clean the sink with the hot water. You got the little, the you got two options. The sink comes out, or you got the little handle spray. Or you use your hand or the sponge or the fucking holder sponge or the scrubba.

SPEAKER_07 26:31

Y'all you're from Boston, you gotta fucking sink scrubba. You gotta fucking rubba tucky, or you gotta scri sink scrubba.

SPEAKER_06 26:40

I gotta scrubba! I gotta scrubba! Fucking rubber scrubba! Fuck you, man. I don't give a shit that you're from fucking Boston and you talk like a fucking idiot. No! I love fucking New England, man, but some of us sound like fucking morons. You gotta admit. You gotta admit that. Everybody has their own fucking style and fucking accent, right? Their own fucking way of communicating.

SPEAKER_07 27:17

What the fuck you say to me, bacon down to cocoa?

SPEAKER_06 27:23

I'm just glad I'm not a fucking alarm clock. You wake up, but then you have a heart attack. You know what I mean? Like, that's not what we want in the morning. You gotta get to work, but you're dead. Or you gotta get to work, but now you're having a triple bypass. Yo, you taking the uh you gonna take the turnpike or you gonna go fucking uh nine west? I'm gonna take the triple bypass, man. It's not a fucking road, Eek Show. It's a fucking it's an operation. Jesus. You know what I mean? I thought I'd make an episode about the entire thing because living in a world of you have to use the alarm clock is not a world I want to live in. That's not what I want. I don't want it for you, I don't want it for me, I don't want it from my wife. So I told her, I'll wake you up, but I only am gonna do it once. I made that shirt. It's almost like if you have kids, like, hey, it's time to get up, but I'm not gonna come back and tell you. And you we all know as parents, we've had to do that. How many times you have to tell your kids things that they need to do while they're growing up. Like, you gotta drink some more water.

SPEAKER_05 29:19

Drink some water! Please!

SPEAKER_07 29:24

Drink some water! Oh man, just drink some water!

SPEAKER_06 29:34

Jesus. It's as if my fucking my youngest child. I only have one, but she's the youngest, because it only is one kid, so I'm gonna say my youngest. I could say I could call her my oldest or my middle child. I can say any of the fucking three. Middle child, yeah, sometimes she stands in the middle of us. Oldest child, yeah. She's the oldest child I have. Youngest? She's the youngest. They all fit. But you only have one child. And you only have fucking one fucking you're only gonna have one arm if you don't shut your mouth. I'll turn you into a fucking one-arm fucking cyclops! And I'll take the fucking left eye and fucking put it on my goddamn fucking mantle in front of the fireplace. You see that? The family's like, what are you talking about? The TV? No, the fucking eye. The eye that I put in that fucking jelly jar on the fucking fireplace mantle. Ich show, you're really losing your mind, man. Not losing my mind, just doing another episode trying to give the fans what they want. I told you from the very beginning. Laugh. Cry.

unknown 30:51

Hide.

SPEAKER_06 30:56

This is the Eek Show. The one thing I want everybody out there in Eek Show land to try to get to a world, to try to get to a life. You don't need an alarm. You're able to fucking handle whatever it is you need to do, waking up, coming to, being alert. Well, you don't need a fucking alarm. There's nobody out there that's like, oh, I love the alarm clock sound. I love that fucking piercing space rocket fucking jam or the loud fucking chimes or the bree beep beep beep beep beep beep breezy. Whatever it is, there's fucking thousands of them, I'm sure you can choose. I want you to live in a fucking life, live in a world, live in a home where just people support each other. Maybe someone is in charge of helping other people get up. I'd rather be have my shoulder touch. Hey, it's time to get up. If you hear it once, get the fuck up. Jump in the shower, wake yourself up, splash some cold water in your face, because I'm not coming back. This is the eekshow.show. This is the eek show. And I hope you enjoyed what I now call an alarmless world. I told my wife, you don't need to live in the alarm world anymore. Come come to my side. Come to my world, come to the eek show world. No alarms. The internal grandfather clock has got you. It's got your back. Have a great week. Have a great month. It's time to get up. Wake up.