SPEAKER_00 0:09

What about this?

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Did you watch ESPN Sports Center bit back in the day? Back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore, but sometimes I sit and wish I was a kid again. Oh, a little fucking Ahmad C. I'm Jerome Joretovich. Headline Sports. I'm Andrea Kramer. ESPN. I'm Jeremy Shop. ES Oh Jesus. Fucking trash all over the street. Looks like my fucking home. Get out and fucking take a nap. Hey man, it shows taking a nap in the trash. Just like how he grew up, man. In a fucking box with a bunch of fucking trash around him. I don't see any fucking ragu sauce. Ragu fucking with meat, huh? Pretty sure that wasn't meat in those jars. Probably fucking. I don't even know what it was. Fucking yak meat. When's the last time you fucking yaked up yak? I never had yak, man. They sell that in the mountains. I'm gonna fucking bury you in the mountains. Let's go climb Everest. Like a 40% chance to die. Oh, good move. I just don't understand it. Let's willingly make a fucking trip journey that costs fucking tens of thousands of dollars. Where it's a fucking coin flip that'll probably die if I, you know, try to get up to the top. You could just listen to the Eek Show, huh? And stay alive, huh? Season two will be next year, huh? You'll be rewarded year after year with fucking delightful episodes. All about fucking nothing. It's a show about nothing. It's a show about everything! It's a show about everything! It's not nothing, it's everything. Everything there is. It's about everything. Oh, look at that fucking tree right there. It's bent. No! That's a show. That's something. Look at these ferns. You didn't realize it was a fucking botanist. Sage world, you suck ass! Shit ass fucking parts. Acme! I'm gonna open a fucking gym and call it fucking AcMai. YMCA backwards. Just have everything fucking the opposite direction. Treadmills are on the fucking ceiling. Fucking have a pool that's just upside down with no water. You fucking just look up at it. You gonna go fucking swimming? No man, I'm going to the upside down pool with no water in it. Just a big drain in the bottom of the fucking floor. It's pretty fucking stupid, each show. So are you, man. So are you! I love that fucking I love that comeback. I've used it before. So are you, man. Fuck you looking at, fucking white-haired bitch. Like a jack sick motherfucking staring me down. Aha, this scoots! Carrying a fucking empty box. Scoots! Scoots is scootin' cab!

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Rootin's tootin' scootin' cub. Scoots.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Rootin' tootin' scootin' cog. Oh, he's trying to stuff the box in his car. Can't fit it. You gotta break it down, Cub. You gotta break the cardboard down, man. You should see how I break cardboard down. Fucking legendary cardboard breaker downer. Yo, you a fucking cardboard breaker downer, man? Fuck up, bitch. He showed does it all, man. It's fucking versatile. Versatility, cuh. So, this is just a quick one. I call it a bonus episode. Oh, he is breaking it down. He's just stepping on it. No, crush it, cuh. Scoots is fucking rootin' tootin'. This is a bonus episode, and I'll tell you why. There's a few moments in life that matter more than the rest. I'll tell I'll give you a big one. Red Sox winning the World Series. That was pretty big, right? Breaking the fucking 86-year curse. What's another monumental moment? That's positive. No ne- no negativity, ka. This guy's spraying shit on his fucking back and down his ass. He's got a fucking spray bottle before he gets in to do his GMC fucking hemi fucking sick. Spraying shit all over his back. Spraying a fucking canister right down the fucking back of his ass. This guy's hilarious, man. This guy's so fucking tanny. Looks like a fucking pretzel rod. He's got these long, he's got this long hair that looks like just an old Brillo pad fucking like dirty sponge in the tub. I saw him wearing a Tampa Bay jersey the other day. Fucking Key West. Fuck off. Tampa Bay, Key West, douche. Some fucking asshole at one of my buddies' fucking weddings talk shit. Because we're wearing Red Sox hats. I'm like, go fucking win something, dude. What the fuck are you talking about, man? Guy hadn't won sh never won shit! When's the last time you met a fucking diehard Tampa Devil Rays fan, man? Exactly, man. There's a fucking like three of them on a raft somewhere in the fucking Bermuda Triangle. I'm gonna buy a remote control shark and fucking. Holy shit, dude. The YMCA6 are on the fucking They're on the hill by the fucking entrance! It's six of them again! The YMCA6 fucking geese mallard ducks. They've already been in an episode. I wonder if they've eaten anybody. I wonder if they've eaten any humans since I last fucking brought them with me to the Halloween party. It's another monumental moment. Just a positivity. Maybe when fucking COVID ended, that was a big one. The national anthem when it was played after 9-11, like the first time they started football back, not just because it was football, but just because you just felt like, you know what, people are gonna fuck with us and do awful evil things, but we're gonna stand together as people. It was like a time that doesn't exist anymore. With politics and right and left and red and blue and just Trump and non-Trump. It's just hate and non-hate. I'm not choosing any sides or shitting on anybody. It's just it is better when everybody's just around the campfire telling fucking stories.

SPEAKER_01 9:52

They say he died. His boy. But he keeps coming back.

SPEAKER_02 10:00

You know what they say about Jason is true. We're in the same spot that that young lady decapitated his mom. Some people say he's still on her. Avenging his mother's death. Waiting. Waiting off the wood. Jason Voice.

SPEAKER_01 10:48

Jason Grove When she was to work for the Christies. I was like They were never paying attention to my boy. They were making love. He should have been watched. Every second. My son. His name was Jason. And today is his birthday.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Oh my god, dude. Dude, if you could see this fucking creature. I don't know what it is. It looks like a fucking creature walking along, like shaking its head. It looks like a fucking creature. From the black lagoon, dude. And instead of the black lagoon, it's the creature from the fucking kids field in the Y Lagoon. It I don't even know if it's a man or a woman, but it just walked out of the fucking woods. No fucking hockey mask on this beast. Holy god, dude. There's like some sort of tick going on in their fucking heads. Like, she's like I I I gotta be honest with you. Maybe is kind of a she. Just weird, dude. Moving her neck around. It's like a fucking. It might be Jason fucking too, man. Mason! Drop the J and add a fucking M for fucking murderous psychopath out of the fucking YMCA field lagoon. Just awful, dude. Perfect for fucking October, man. A scary fucking creature walks out of the woods as I'm filming the Eek Show, man. Eek! Yep. Mm-hmm. It's never gonna go away, man. Hey, Eek Show, how long you been sick now, man? I'm going on three weeks, man. I gotta buy some fucking oxygen at the fucking store. I didn't know they sell the They sell oxygen at the fucking grocery store, man? I don't know where they sell it, but I need it. That'd be a nice fucking gift to get, right? You open up a fucking big box, you're like, oh man, what'd you get me, man? Did you get me a fucking sled? Get me new skis? Did you get me a fucking brand new fucking jumpsuit, like a tracksuit from fucking Vori? You open it up and it's a fucking oxygen tank. Hey, that's cool, man. Did you get me the fucking connector fucking gear and the masks and the fucking tube so I can use it? No, man, that shit was extra. The tank's empty, by the way. There's no oxygen in it. But you can fill it with oxygen. I'm gonna fill it with fucking prune juice. And shit all over your roof. Did you see that guy's house, man? Had fucking shit. Shit initials in it. It said fucking eekshow on his roof and shit. Who do you think wrote it? I think the guy that he bought the oxygen tank for, man, it was fucking eekshow. Oh, there it is. Okay, that makes sense. It's fucking eekshow. That's what it fucking spelled, man. What are you a fucking doofus? I'm telling you, man. Bring back the word doofus! It's a good one. Look at this fucking doofus. Someone calls you a fucking fat doofus. You know, I don't know, man. It's a tough one. Tough one to recover from, man. You're walking along like you're just watching a sporting event like a high school, bunch of p families and younger kids there, sisters, brothers, you know, maybe cousins. Friday night, it's packed. You're like, yo, man, what's up? Yo, Robbie, good to see you, man. He just turns to you and goes, You're a fat fucking doofus, man. Don't talk to me. Everyone's like, ah, I just fucking. They're shocked, but they laugh because just they don't expect this random guy to call you a fat doofus. Like, what do you say back? You're like, hey, uh, what? You know, like, you're so shocked. Oh. Maybe you just burp. That fucking distracts everybody. The Peacock series, Crystal Lake. Okay? I grew up in a city with a Crystal Lake. In my heart, I believe Jason was born in that lake. Not just Crystal Lake from the movie.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

My Crystal Lake! Right across from the old fucking Kodak Photo Mart.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

Little fucking blue and yellow hut. It's like the size of a fucking double outhouse. Used to fucking go up and drop your fucking camera films off. They develop them over a week. You come back and pick them up. Now that is ageism. That's fucking old school. That's dating myself. The Kodak Photo Mart. Do you remember that shit? Does anybody out there remember that? Dude, I wish you could see this fucking beast. It's like walking around and just keeps moving its head. I I don't know. Maybe she's got buzz in and she's like dancing with her neck and her chin. It's quite possibly the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And again, I'm not trying to insult man or woman. This is just, this is just real life fucking observation. If you saw me, you'd be like, uh. He kind of looks old, grayish fucking, you know, nappy hair, balding. I guess I'm not balding, but incredibly svelt. This fucking beast is getting closer, man. I don't want to get eaten by it. Jesus. And of course, this fucking creature is wearing fucking tight pants. They're not. I just don't they're not made for everybody, man. You know what I mean? Fucking muscle shirts and tank tops aren't made for everybody. Don't wear them if you're fucking out of shape. I mean, this thing is doing fucking zigzags in the parking lot. What the fuck is going on, man? I was gonna exercise, but I saw this fucking creature from the YMCA Field Lagoon just bobbing its head like a fucking cuckoo clock. Jason has fucking found his way back into our hearts. Crystal Lake, the prequel to fucking Friday the 13th, starts on the 15th. That's tomorrow. So whatever you got going, a funeral, work, business trip, maybe closing on a home, cutting down trees, doing yard work. Dude, I'm not even kidding. At this point, the creature is now literally walking directly in front of my car, dude. Like almost as if like it like heard me talking. It's kind of a fucking weird thing. I don't know, maybe it's a fucking killer. It's like walking around in figure eights over in the grass, back into the lot, doing this neck twitch. I mean, I guess it could be someone with Tourette's, right? That's fair. Dude, it like that when I lowered my voice there, it was like right in front of my car, man. I tried to not look at it. I don't want to turn to stone. It's like a cross between a fucking the creature from the black lagoon and Medusa. But definitely maybe part man too. Is the creature from the Black Lagoon a man? Jason's deformed because he was fucking like drowned and like lived underwater for like it looked like maybe several years of his young life. They never show you or tell you when Jason like got out of the lake.

SPEAKER_03 19:27

Jason!

SPEAKER_02 19:40

Maybe like he was waterlogged and drowned down there for like between like eight or nine. He wasn't a very good swimmer. Those councils should have been watching. He should have been watched every second. Look what you did to him! Look what you did to him! It was the fucking mom, dude. Pamela Voorhees was doing all the fucking killing in the first one. Just like fucking Scream told us. Hello, it shows. Wanna play a game? It wasn't Jason, man. And now I've seen fucking Mason. This fucking creature, man, doing figure eights in the fucking Y parking lot. None of that's made up, by the way. I just had a fucking horrific ghoul, maybe an arm's length from the front of my fucking hood. I was still speaking, but inside I was fucking paralyzed in fear. How fitting. How fitting that I see a fucking demented, deformed, fucking killer walk out of the woods 24 hours before fucking the prequel to Friday the 13th, Crystal Lake airs on Peacock. The Eek Show is connected to fucking Jason. I gotta fucking homemade. That's me fucking making noises in the bottle. How do you do your audio, man? You got it fucking professionally done? No man, I suck a I'll do a drink and I just cough and make these weird noises into a fucking plastic pollen springs bottle, man. Drives the fucking women mad.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

It doesn't drive fucking Mason bad or mad. That thing is a fucking creature. It's n it's all truth. All of This just fucking happened, man. A fucking ghoul creature with Tourette's or a fucking head tick just walked out of the woods a hundred yards away from where I was fucking parked. Before I go in to fucking set the record and fucking shots made from the fucking basketball court. It's just fucking repetition, man. Muscle memory. I've been fucking shooting the lights out. And I don't just shoot free throws, okay? Fucking assholes. You stand there and shoot free throws. No. I can shoot them off glass. I can shoot the fucking outside the fucking paint. The floaters, the fucking three-pointers, baseline, smini hooks, reverse, behind the fucking backboard, Larry Bird style. Some things in sports you can get really good at just with repetition, man. Golf? Hard sport, but if you did it, if you played it every fucking day all day, because you grew up on a fucking golf course, or in a rich family who you could go golfing all the time because you don't have to work. How's that one sound to you? You were hungry, now you just got fed. Yo, Icho, man, you you feeding people through the fucking speaker now? I'm gonna fill my oxygen tank with fucking chili! This fucking guy at the Pats game, he's sucking chili out of an oxygen tank. Really, man? Get him some fucking taco chips, man. It's a good idea. Get me some. Fucking asshole. Get me some now. This was gonna be a bonus. Jason inspired me and then I saw fucking Mason or whatever that thing was. The thing. Do you realize that the creature in the thing, they film that shit with bubble gum? Stretching it? It's fucking amazing, man. You throw your gum out on the floor and just spit it under the fucking desk when you're in school. And fucking John Carpenter and his fucking production team made it into a fucking creature out in Antarctica. What the fuck are you doing in Antarctica, by the way, man? Yo, there's an alien, it's fuck coming alive, it's frozen in a block and killing fucking people in Antarctica. Okay, okay. I think we'll be alright, man. If it freezes again, how about we never put anybody back to Antarctica? Oh contraire, the the fucker was building a spaceship.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

No. Okay? McCready blew that shit up.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

McCready blew the fucking whole base sky high.

SPEAKER_00 25:12

Sky high. Say it to the stars. F on us.

SPEAKER_02 25:21

I just elevated your fucking eardrums. Jason Voorhees drops! Okay, the prequel drops tomorrow. I don't care if you got fucking jury duty, if you're arrested, you're on parole. You got a warrant out. You're getting married. Having a baby! Cancel all of it. I want you to wear fucking blue overalls, Oshkosh, with fucking spurted blood on the fucking boots. Black. Dirty. Put a bald mask with a deformed face on your fucking skull. And put the hockey mask on. Make sure it's got some mud on it. I want you to sit in the middle of your fucking living room and watch Crystal Fucking Lake.

SPEAKER_01 26:12

He he was my son. His name was Jason. And today is his birthday.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

I said it in the Halloween episode. Fucking Voorhees.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

See Rob Sonaj.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

That's wrong. Nasaj. That's chasing backwards. And I fucking flip the N in the S, fucking Mason, the fucking lagoon creature has my mind all fucking scrambled. Oh the fucking YMCA fucking geese. They've moved on to fucking eat something else somewhere else. I hope they eat this fucking awful creature that's fucking doing figure eights in the fucking parking lot. Little fucking trident white fucking wintergreen gum, cad. All I need is one little chiclet. What's the last time you had a fucking chiclet? Mm-hmm. Spittin' chiclets. That's a fucking hockey show. That's funny, man. Hopefully people my age know chiclets, but it's like this fucking little square fucking hard chippy pieces of gum. They come in a box and you could shake them around, eat like two or three of every time you had a yeah, you shake a yo, give me a shake of gum, um, chiclets. I'm gonna call you a fucklet. Yo fucklet, man, you got some chiclets? Yo fucklet, shut up lit. Eddie, give me the fucking chiclets. I don't think I ever saw my dad chew gum. I saw him chew fucking steak and choke on it. He'd rub his throat. Fucking choke. He's telling my mom to shut up. He chokes on a steak, or anytime he had meat, he'd get up from the fucking his fucking the one chair at the table. He'd rub his throat. He'd fucking choke. Fucking you gonna shut up now. He'd blame my mom. He'd go down to the toilet and fucking throw up and come back and be like, And you can see what I fucking mean. You gotta shut the fuck up. Blame her for his fucking eating too fast. Choking on steak. On a consistent basis. He didn't choke every night or every day, but he choked on meat once a week. Are you gonna hear me watching? Shut up. Oh my god, that's fucking hilarious, dude. Just fucking unbelievable stories from growing up, man. I want all you rich people out there with, you know, stories about how your fucking dad hated you and fucking beat your mom, you know, whatever your fucking stories are. I believe them all. I'm telling you, I always say the guy or the woman sitting next to you has a worse story. If I grew up in a trailer, they grew up in a fucking plastic bag in the middle of the fucking ocean, and their parents both don't have fucking limbs, right? They're two fucking carcasses with heads that work, and they grew up in a bag on a fucking like a boat, a boat made out of fucking several fucking target bags. And all their names are Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves? Russell. I can't remember the other ones. There's a lot of them. Which black, white, and red and can't walk through revolving doors. A fucking nun with a spear through its head. Truly tasteless jokes were uh plenty tasteless. Plenty tasty! Eek show joke book. That's another idea, man. Could talk about the fucking Mason. The creature from the fucking YMCA lawn to the fucking side of it, lagoon! I'm telling you, man, you should have seen this fucking creature. Speaking of the thing, there's a partner where the thing fucking like picks up the guy and eats its fucking carcass head. It's like sticking out of the top of its body. Oh, Ekshaw's getting eaten by a fucking creature out in the fucking wide park a lot. You see that fucking nervous tick it's got? Yeah, I do, man. I saw it. Uh this thing was fucking scary, dude. Beastly. This huge, bulging, beastly man in a blue leisure suit. You just hold on there. You just hold on your wad. I'm sorry, uh my cousin Eddie's heart's bigger than his brain. I appreciate that, Clark. Now just hold on then. You just hold your wad. This was my idea. Good, then you're going to jail. Christmas vacation? Fucking lighten up the fucking Jason Voorhees mood with a little Christmas. I want you to cancel all your plans, and I want you to get in your fucking Jason costume. I want you to sit in your living room, and I want you to throw fucking raw fucking steak at the TV. This guy's fucking talking to himself. So am I! No, I'm not. I'm talking to the fucking millions out there fucking breathing every second I record this shit. Eekshow! Eekshow.show! Info at eekshow.show. Jason Vore! Ease. Do you ever think of anything else when you hear the name Jason butt Friday the 13th? Do you think of your friends or people or husbands or fucking wives? Who the fuck knows? After fucking the thing I just saw? Do you ever think of anything when you hear the word Jason? Okay?

SPEAKER_01 33:06

Not a Jason. Just Jason.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

When you hear the word Jason, even if you have fucking a dad or a fucking son, friend, do you not think of fucking Friday the 13th? Do you not think of that fucking gorgeous hockey mask covered in fucking mud and blood? Hey, the ironic thing about Jason was I heard when he was a kid he was a right winger. He wasn't even a goalie. Oh I'm sure the right wing fucking hockey mask with the fucking cage or the fucking plexiglass mask on it wouldn't have been as scary. If you would have seen his mutant face through it, though, that would have been scary. The hockey mask. It just happened to be on set. They're like, I'll throw the fucking goalie mask on, man. It happened by accident in part three. The potato sack with one hole in it. Just as effective. I mean, fantastic. Just as effective. You don't need two holes to see through. You only need one. I only need fucking one tube for my oxygen tank eating that fucking chili. This was supposed to be a bonus. Maybe I will make it a bonus. You're listening to it. Did it say bonus? Eekshaw. Friday the 13th, the prequel, Crystal Lake, drops tomorrow on Peacock. So fucking clean and sharpen your machete. Okay? I want you sitting in that living room with fucking bloody raw steak, dressed in full fucking Jason Voorhees garments. And I want you to memorize it. This made sense to me because it's October. All my episodes in this month had to be some sort of freakish fucking, you know, spooky sense to it. Season of the spooky bitch, right? It's not the same as that, but it aligns. I couldn't have fucking predicted that fucking a creature would walk out of the woods while I was filming this. Eek Show, you're not filming, you're recording!

SPEAKER_01 35:35

I wish I could hire Jason to shut that motherfucker up that just said that. This is the Eek Show. The one thing clear your calendar. Tidy up.

SPEAKER_02 35:55

Cancel all your big fucking dreams and plans. Because Jason Voorhees is gonna be on the fucking television screen tomorrow. Shut, shut, shut, shut. Gotta get some fucking medicine, man.

SPEAKER_03 36:18

Hell up.